💊 Novo discovers weight loss works on stock prices too (and Florida went full Wild West)

Remember when science was just about discovering stuff instead of surviving political tantrums? Yeah, me neither. This week, we're watching Novo Nordisk discover that weight loss applies to stock prices too, American scientists googling "how to do research without money" (spoiler: ask the Soviets), Australia basically giving mosquitoes a vasectomy to stop malaria, and Florida turning stem cells into a choose-your-own-adventure medical experiment. Oh, and we are still salty of RFK Jr. just deleting $500 million in mRNA funding because apparently, we learned nothing from that whole pandemic thing. Science is having a moment, and that moment is a nervous breakdown.

Remember when Novo Nordisk was Europe's most valuable company, worth more than the entire GDP of Denmark? Well, that was June 2024, and now they're worth about as much as a really nice yacht collection. CEO Lars Fruergaard Jørgensen dropped the L-word (layoffs, not love) during an interview with the Danish broadcaster DR, saying, "We probably won't be able to avoid layoffs," which in corporate speak means "start updating your LinkedIn profiles, folks."

The obesity drug wars have gone from friendly competition to full-on Hunger Games. Eli Lilly's Zepbound just ate Wegovy's lunch, capturing 53% of US prescriptions while delivering 21% weight loss compared to Wegovy's measly 13-15%. That's like bringing a knife to a gunfight, except the knife costs $1,349 per month. Novo's stock has shed 64% from its peak, losing a total of $95 billion from its valuation since June 2024. That's not weight loss, that's financial anorexia.

Here's the beautiful irony: while Novo can't make enough Wegovy to meet demand, over a million Americans are buying knockoff versions from compounding pharmacies. The FDA banned these copies in May, but compounders found a loophole by "personalizing" the formula. It's like bootlegging, but for weight loss drugs. Novo has filed more than 130 lawsuits against these pharmacies, because nothing says "we're winning" like suing everyone who's eating your lunch.

The company's next-gen drug CagriSema delivered 22.7% weight loss in trials, missing the 25% target that analysts pulled out of thin air. Markets responded by having their own weight loss moment, dropping 20% faster than a patient on triple-dose semaglutide. New CEO Maziar Mike Doustdar inherits this beautiful mess on August 7, which is like being handed the keys to the Titanic after it's already kissed the iceberg.

Last week's $500 million mRNA funding massacre by RFK Jr.has scientists dusting off their Russian dictionaries and googling "how did Soviet scientists survive." The historical parallel is delicious: the USSR managed to split atoms and launch cosmonauts while banning genetics because it conflicted with communist agriculture theory. Now America's cutting science funding while wondering why China keeps winning Nobel Prizes.

Trump's FY2026 budget proposes cutting NSF by 56% and NIH by 37%, which would drop grant acceptance rates to 7%. That's worse odds than getting into Harvard, except instead of disappointed parents, you get discontinued cancer research. Nearly 2,000 scientists, including actual Nobel laureates, signed a letter warning about America's scientific "decimation". When people who split atoms for fun start using words like "decimation," maybe listen.

The Soviet strategy reference is particularly spicy. The USSR achieved remarkable scientific breakthroughs through massive centralized funding: the first satellite, the first human in space, second nuclear bomb. They also banned genetics for 30 years because it disagreed with Stalin's farming ideas, proving that ideology and science mix about as well as oil and peer review.

Meanwhile, China's science budget grows 8.3% annually, while it's graduating 77,000 STEM PhDs to 40,000 in the US. They're projected to match US R&D spending before 2030, at which point they'll probably discover time travel just to come back and laugh at us. Dr. Katalin Karikó, who won the 2023 Nobel for mRNA vaccines, warned that in the next pandemic, "other countries will have to help us out". Nothing says superpower like needing Zimbabwe to FedEx you vaccines.

While America's busy defunding mRNA research, Australia just used the technology to potentially eliminate malaria. Scientists at the Walter and Eliza Hall Institute achieved a 99.7% reduction in malaria transmission by essentially giving mosquitoes the world's tiniest vasectomy.

The breakthrough is genuinely clever: instead of preventing human infection like a normal vaccine, they're cock-blocking the parasite's sex life inside mosquitoes. Using cryo-electron microscopy (science's fanciest camera), they captured the first images of Plasmodium falciparum's fertilization complex, which is basically parasite Tinder. Their mRNA vaccine creates antibodies that swipe left on parasite reproduction. You can find the whole research paper in Science!

This matters because malaria still kills 600,000 people annually, mostly African children under 5. Current vaccines prevent 39-75% of infections, which sounds great until you realize that's like a bulletproof vest that only covers your left shoulder. The Australian approach doesn't prevent infection but stops you from passing it on, making you a dead-end host. It's like being patient zero, minus the spreading plague part.

Speaking of kids, Novartis just got approval for Coartem Baby, the first malaria treatment for newborns under 11 pounds. They're distributing it not-for-profit across Africa, continuing their tradition of giving away over 1.1 billion treatments since 2001. When Big Pharma acts more charitable than actual charities, you know we're in the upside-down.

The vaccine hasn't reached human trials yet, so don't cancel your mosquito net subscription. But in preclinical studies, it basically turned malaria transmission into a statistical error. If this works in humans, we could eliminate a disease that's killed more people than every war combined. No pressure, Australia.

Florida just passed a law making unapproved stem cell treatments as legal as alligator wrestling and roughly as safe. CS/CS/SB 1768 passed unanimously (that's 149-0 for those counting), allowing doctors to inject you with stem cells for basically anything orthopedic, wound-related, or painful. The FDA's response was presumably unprintable.

The law requires stem cells to be processed in FDA-registered facilities while explicitly allowing uses that the FDA forbids. It's like requiring a driver's license to operate a flying car that doesn't exist. State Senator Jay Trumbull called it "balancing innovation with safety," which is political speak for "YOLO but with paperwork."

Florida already hosts 104 stem cell clinics, second only to California. A 2021 study found 2,754 clinics nationwide operated by businesses with names like "Regenerative Medicine Center of Excellence" and "Miracle Stem Cell Institute" (okay, I made that last one up, but you believed it). These clinics promise to cure everything from arthritis to existential dread, charging $5,000-$20,000 for treatments the FDA calls "unproven and potentially harmful."

The documented disasters are spectacular: three women went permanently blind after a Tampa clinic injected stem cells into their eyes. The Lung Institute paid $9 million in a class action for claiming they could cure COPD. Dr. Cesario Borlongan, who's researched stem cells for 25 years at USF, said he "wouldn't advise" family to try these treatments, which in scientist-speak means "run away screaming."

Medical Tourism Magazine is already promoting Florida as a stem cell destination, because nothing says "quality healthcare" like combining experimental treatments with beach vacations. The state that brought you Florida Man now brings you Florida Stem Cell Patient, coming soon to a medical journal near you under "What Not To Do."

Another week, another reminder that science fiction writers really phoned it in. Who needs dystopian novels when you've got Florida legalizing experimental stem cell treatments and America literally adopting Soviet science strategies? At least Australia's out here trying to cock-block malaria parasites, so that's something.

Did Novo's financial face-plant make you reconsider your pharma stocks? Ready to move your lab to China, where they actually fund research? Planning a stem cell vacation to Florida? Hit reply and share your thoughts – we read every email, including checking if our grant applications have been rejected yet!

Share this with someone who needs reminding that reality is stranger than fiction. We're cruising still way over 70% open rate, and that tells us you're as addicted to this chaos as we are!

Until next week, may your research be funded and your stem cells FDA-approved,
Prateek & Jere

P.S. - If science gets any weirder, we're switching to fiction writing. At least then the plot holes would be intentional! 🧬💊✨

And if you’re still not convinced, no worries! Just unsubscribe here. You can always check back on us later.